The Ghost of Christmas Past
by gsugirl
Summary: Horatio discovers that light and darkness struggle to comprehend each other in this Christmas short story. This story occurs a few weeks after 'Torn'. Hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

The Ghost of Christmas Past

She stood at the kitchen counter arranging their coffee mugs on a tray while pondering the demeanor of the red-head in the adjoining room. He had been unusually quiet since their arrival at their South Beach condo about an hour ago. This remoteness shouldn't have been surprising to her; she had to admit that his proclivity for unexplained silences was a character trait she, though once found baffling, had now become accustomed to.

Tonight, however, he seemed different…sadder…more pensive…more distant than she had ever seen him before. Glancing toward the sofa in the great room, she studied his silhouette as he reclined on the sofa, clad in the black pajama pants and MDPD t-shirt he had immediately slipped into upon his return home. To those who didn't know him, he appeared carefree with his bare feet perched carelessly on the glass coffee table opposite him. But she knew as she observed him staring blankly into the glistening white lights on the Christmas tree nestled in the corner of the room that he had retreated into his private world. A world uniquely his where no one was allowed access.

She wondered what he could possibly be thinking. Was he analyzing evidence in that new case he had become fixated on or meditating on something personal? Was the hustle and bustle of the holiday season wearing on him? He had told her earlier in the week that he 'didn't do Christmas well'. She'd hoped to rectify that with a beautifully decorated home, traditional holiday dinner, and intimate personal attention, but with Horatio Caine, sometimes one's hopes are often elusive.

She'd tried to initiate casual conversation during their drive home, but he seemed oblivious to her prattle and chose a shower over small talk upon arriving home. Maybe the coffee he requested, coupled with a bit of relaxation late in the evening, would give him the freedom to open up to her. Maybe he would offer some insight into his wounded soul tonight, something that he often resisted doing when he was troubled about something.

Picking up the tray and heading toward the great room, she caught sight of something that made her stop in her tracks. Did his hand just swipe his cheek? Could he be wiping away tears? A quick sniff coming from the confines of the room confirmed her suspicions…he was crying. Horatio Caine was shedding tears. But she dared not enter the room for she knew they were not intended for her eyes. That would be the ultimate invasion of his privacy.

So she ducked back into the kitchen, taking a moment to catch her breath and to give him time to collect himself…time to save face before she and two mugs of coffee innocently interjected themselves into his private world. Looking back into the room, she entertained a second thought. She wondered if she should just seize the moment with Horatio Caine. Maybe the time had come for her to cross his boundaries and lure him out. In the course of their relationship, she had always been reluctant to do that. She had feared it would only serve to drive him deeper into himself and create an even greater distance between the pair. She wanted him to open up to her on his terms, but maybe she should re-think that approach. Maybe tonight she had caught him with his guard down. Perhaps she should take advantage of this unique opportunity.

Without warning the quietness was shattered by his sensuous voice, "You need any help in there, Liebling?"

"Uh, no, it's coming right out. I'm on my way," she replied softly shaking her head at the enigma of a man she had married.

Seating herself beside him on the sofa, she handed him his mug saying, "Here you are, dearest, coffee…black…and its decaf so you won't be up all night. I didn't include your favorite 'additive'. You said you didn't want that tonight. Hope you enjoy."

"I always do," Horatio replied smiling slightly as he sipped the steaming brew. "Now…this is just what the doctor ordered even without my favorite additive."

Leaning in towards him, she kissed him softly and said, "Have I told you that you are one sweet man, Horatio Caine?"

Placing his hand on her knee and caressing it gently, he replied, "You have, but let's keep that our secret, Liebling. I've got a reputation to protect."

"That you do and you protect it so masterfully, Horatio. But I see another side of you and I know that you are one sweet man. You proved that earlier."

"I hope I did enough tonight. Do you think everyone's needs were met?" Horatio asked earnestly as he gazed fondly at his wife.

"You more than met everyone's needs. What you did for the Children's Center today was a life-saver. You made a lot of children very happy this Christmas."

"My feeble attempt at a speech didn't embarrass you did it? I'm not a man of many words. I don't relish public speaking about private matters."

"Your speech was simple, yet eloquent, Horatio. Your generous gift reflects more than words can ever say. You made tonight's Christmas party at the Children's Center possible. Marisol would be so pleased to know you honored her so beautifully. The Center has been operating on a shoestring budget for the past few months and without your check…well; let's just say the party wouldn't have gone off as it did. I'm wondering, how you knew how much money we needed to put everything together? Did Elf Maria tell you?"

Chuckling softly, Horatio replied, "No, she didn't. Let's just say that eavesdropping on telephone conversations is a talent of mine, Liebling. Can we leave it at that? I'd hate to further incriminate myself."

"Ah, so I take it there's no privacy in this house? I'll make it a point to remember that!" she teased with a twinkle in her eye as she affectionately rubbed his forearm.

"Remember you are married to a cop, Liebling. Nothing you do or say is truly hidden from me. I don't want it to be. I like the transparency you give to me. I like the openness you bring into my life. It's something I wish I could emulate."

"Are you sure about that? Do you really wish that or are you telling me something you know I want to hear?" she asked looking at him intently.

"So you are accusing me of being insincere? That's a helluva thing for you to say, Liebling. I'm not sure I appreciate that," Horatio said placing his mug on the table and his elbows on knees as he looked away from her.

"I'm not implying that you are insincere, Horatio. Not on purpose. But when I sense that you are troubled about something and try to make inroads with you, you have a tendency to shut me out. You emotionally push me away. You may not even be aware of it, but you do. I just wish you wouldn't…that's all. You are such a beautiful mystery sometimes."

"You knew who I was when we married. I told you I was a private man. I told you there were things about me that were strictly personal. I thought you accepted that. I thought you understood me and respected who I am," Horatio answered rising from the sofa and walking toward the French doors facing the deck.

"I do respect and love the man that you are! I just want you to see that you can talk to me. You don't have to get your hackles up…I don't want an argument with you…not on Christmas Eve!"

Gathering her mug as she rose to return to the kitchen, she heard the chirp of her phone in her purse on the dining room table. Planning to ignore it she heard Horatio call out, "You might want to get that. It could be your family. I'm sure they are calling with Christmas greetings."

Taking her purse into the privacy of the kitchen, she retrieved her phone only to be stunned by the trembling voice on the other end.

"Mrs. Caine…Please help. There's trouble…real trouble here. Is your husband home?"

"Evan? What's going on? What kind of trouble?" she asked haltingly.

Listening quietly to the voice of the frightened child, she responded, "Where's Will? Do you have Will with you? Alright, then…stay in the closet. Do not try to separate your parents. Stay where you are and on the phone with me! Evan…Evan…Don't hang up! Stay on the phone while I get Horatio!"

Turning around suddenly, she saw Horatio standing behind her, his blue eyes clouded with concern.

"What's going on? Who was that?" he asked with a tilt of his head.

"It's Evan. There are problems at his house tonight. He's asking for you."

"Evan from the Children's Center?"

"Yeah, he says his dad came home drunk and a fight broke out with his mom. This is a frequent thing with them. He says it's really bad tonight. He says there's a gun involved! The phone he is using has powered off. I've lost touch with him."

"Call 911! Give me the address!" Horatio demanded hurriedly as he began sprinted down the hall to their bedroom.

"4233 Sunrise Drive, Opa-locka," she nervously replied making the call with trembling fingers.

Following her husband into the bedroom, she found Horatio quickly pulling on the dark pants and blue striped shirt that had been draped across the chair.

"911 is on the line. They are asking for you," she said softly handing him her phone.

"This is Lieutenant Horatio Caine…shield number 7264438. Yes, I'm on my wife's phone. I need officers immediately at 4233 Sunrise in Opa-locka. Domestic dispute…minor children on scene…two males…one is about 10 and the other I'd say is 4. Possible firearm involvement. I am en route. Get cars rolling," he commanded as he stepped into his shoes.

Stepping past her toward the bedside table, he heard her exclaim, "I'm going with you, Horatio."

Turning sharply, he saw her stripping off her silk pajamas and stepping into her jeans while yanking on the MDPD t-shirt he had just tossed on their bed.

"No, you are to stay here and wait for my call," he said calmly as he opened the lock box, retrieved his weapon and badge clipping both to his belt.

Scrambling behind him down the hallway she exclaimed, "Those children need me. Rosetta needs me. I want to be there for them. I'm going with you! I can help!"

Reaching the front door, he turned toward her and angrily replied, "No you are not going with me! This is a police matter, Liebling…not some of your social work. You are to stay here until you hear from me. And if you entertain the notion of defying me and following behind in your car, I'll have officers place you in the back of a patrol car for interference."

Stepping in front of the door, she exclaimed, "Please, Horatio! I'll stay out of the way! I just want to make sure that those boys are okay. I won't interfere…please!"

"Your world, Liebling, is not like Evan's and my world. You don't understand what this hell is like! I do…trust me…I do! Now get out of my way. I have work to do! I'll call you!" he exclaimed pushing her away from the door and onto the floor as he stormed out into the dark Miami night.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Part 2

The drive from Opa-locka to South Beach was a quiet one. Evan sat ramrod still in the back seat of the Hummer cuddling his little brother in stoic silence…a silence that Horatio well understood.

He'd asked if there was anybody he could call…grandparents, an aunt, uncle…any family that could take the brothers in for the night only to be told no. Glancing back at the pair, he noticed that Will had nodded off to sleep under his older brother's protective arm. His mind drifted back to those nights long ago when he would climb down into Raymond's lower bunk as the battles raged between their parents downstairs. There they would huddle together using the pillows and bedcovers as barriers in their futile attempts to block out the violence that surrounded them.

In the years that had ensued, he'd convinced himself he was past all of that. He had worked hard to overcome his childhood hell by becoming a self-made man. But there were still times when, despite all his best efforts, the traumatized boy inside of him pushed all the bravado aside and screamed for release. It didn't take much to trigger it. An odd memory, overhearing an expression his mother used to say, her birthday, a case that wouldn't let him go…or as in today…his mother's favorite holiday.

Breaking the silence, Horatio asked, "You okay back there son?"

Looking up, Evan replied, "Yes, sir. Where are you taking us? Some foster care place? If you do take us there, will you ask them not to separate us?"

Swallowing hard, Horatio replied tenderly, "No son, no foster care…you're going to my house tonight. My wife and I will take care of you. We'll sort everything out in the morning."

"Thank you, Sir," the boy answered simply as they turned onto the street that led to his condo.

As the Hummer made its way past the rows of festively decorated homes aglow with tree filled windows and glittering doorways, he contemplated what he would find when he arrived home. Since speeding out of the drive, all he could think of was his encounter with her at the door.

Silently cursing at the memory, he knew he had done what was in her best interest. Domestic call-outs are among the most dangerous in police work. That was the first lesson learned in the family violence seminar in the academy. Emotions always run high…perps are extremely territorial…situations can get out of hand in the blink of an eye. You must keep a cool head when you are working a domestic.

But she didn't understand that…she only understood how much she cared for those little ones in the back seat. And he only understood how much he cared for her. It was his responsibility, not only as her husband, but as an officer of the law, to protect her. He was not allowing her to put herself in harm's way, he reasoned with himself. Getting between him and the door was childish on her part. Yet still…remembering her slumped on the floor tore at the heart of him.

Easing into the driveway and idling the vehicle, their front door immediately swung open as she ran down the steps and over to the Hummer stopping at the passenger's side door.

"Horatio, you texted that you have the boys…where are they?" she asked breathlessly poking her head into the vehicle as he rolled down the window.

"Yes, I have them. They are in the back. Will is sleeping. Let's get them inside. You walk along with Evan and I'll take care of the little guy," Horatio whispered tilting his head toward the back seat.

Gathering a slumbering Will from Evan's embrace, Horatio lifted the boy to his shoulder and followed behind as she embraced Evan and led him up the stone walkway toward the front door. He noted how the boy clung to the folds of the ill-fitting MDPD t-shirt she hadn't bothered to change out of in a desperate effort to gain physical and emotional support.

As they entered the house, she dropped to her knees and looked intently at the older youngster.

"Evan, are you hurt? Are you and Will okay?" she asked taking his somber face into her smooth hands.

"No ma'am we ain't hurt. We're okay."

"Are you hungry then? Have you had anything for dinner tonight?"

"Only what we had at the party at the Center."

"That was just snacks...chips and cookies. I'll fix you something…a sandwich or a bowl of soup maybe? How about a glass of milk?" she asked earnestly with pleading eyes as the boy shook his head.

"I'm not hungry, Mrs. C. But some milk would be okay."

"Good. Horatio, would you take Will to the guest room? I've turned the covers down already. A warm bed is waiting for him. I'll get Evan's milk and join you in a minute."

Moments later as he laid Will down on the pillows and untied his worn out sneakers, he heard the sound of holiday music coming from the television in the great room as she joined him beside the bed where Will lay softly snoring.

"Here…let me help you with him," she whispered as she slipped off the boy's jeans leaving him to sleep clad in his faded Batman underwear and long-sleeved shirt.

Turning toward Horatio in the darkened room she asked, "What happened tonight? Where is Rosetta?"

"Rosetta is at Dade Memorial. She's in surgery. She suffered a gunshot wound to the head. Alexx was the physician on-call. I'll know more in the morning," Horatio answered softly.

"So he finally did it!" she whispered angrily. "Please tell me you locked him up! Please tell me he's under the bottom of the jail for what he did to Rosetta and these kids!"

"Their father is...dead."

"Are you serious? How?"

"We call it suicide by cop. There was a stand-off with patrol when I got there. He was ordered to come out and wouldn't. We negotiated for a while and then he threatened to hurt the children. We had to make a move. He finally came out firing a weapon. We did what we had to do."

"Did the boys see any of that? Look, their father was a real bastard and I honestly can't say that I'm sorry he's dead, but I hope they didn't see him die. How can any child process that?" she asked incredulously.

"I don't know what Evan saw. He won't tell anyone. I found Will locked in a closet and Evan in the kitchen beside his mother when I entered the house. We're piecing it all together, but we need Evan to talk to us. Do you know of any family they might have? Evan says he doesn't know of anybody local. Is that true? We need to notify next of kin," Horatio said raggedly.

"I think Rosetta has a sister in California. She's mentioned her from time to time. Not sure if they were close. I've got a file on the family at the Center. I'll run down there in the morning and get it for you. Anything else you need?"

A silence filled the room as brown eyes met blue ones.

"I uh…I think we need to talk about what happened as I was leaving earlier. I have something I'd like to say…" Horatio began before hearing a voice coming from great room.

"Mrs. C…can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Yeah, we do have some issues to discuss, Horatio. But right now, these children have bigger ones. I have to tend to that boy. We'll definitely talk later. I have something to tell you. I'm coming, Evan," she replied walking past her husband toward the hallway.

Entering the great room, she found Evan sitting on the sofa holding the now empty milk glass.

"What's on your mind sweet boy? Do you feel like talking about what happened tonight? Is there anything I can do to help you?" she asked seating herself beside him.

"Nothing for me….but, could you help Will? I don't believe in all that Santa stuff anymore. My dad told me it was all fake two years ago. He said he didn't have money to buy presents. But Will thinks that Santa is real and is coming tonight. What am I going to tell him? He's only 4 years old. I don't know what to tell him when he doesn't get anything."

"Evan, don't worry about that! I'll ask Horatio to stay with you guys and I'll take care of everything. There's a toy store in a mall close by that doesn't close until midnight. Will won't be disappointed and neither will you," she replied rising from the sofa.

Walking out of the great room, she called out to Horatio standing in the hallway staring at the sleeping child in his guest room.

"Horatio, I've got to run a quick errand. It's something for the kids. Watch them while I'm gone. Maybe you can talk Evan into eating something and then trying to go to sleep. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Nodding his response, he heard the sound of her keys as the front door softly closed. Entering their bedroom, he wearily shrugged out of his dark jacket tossing it at the foot of his bed. Opening the door to the walk-in closet, he stopped suddenly as a wave of nausea surprised him. A half-filled suitcase was open on the floor in the corner, obviously her work in progress.

Sighing to himself, he placed his hands on his hips and looked around the closet sadly. What a helluva Christmas this was turning out to be. Peace on Earth…goodwill to men or so the song says. What a paradox. Two battle-scarred children were in his home while their mother clings to life in the hospital, he'd shot and killed their father about an hour ago, and now…the ultimate discovery…the woman he loved was running from him. It shouldn't have surprised him…he'd always said he didn't do Christmas well. Christmas works for some people and it doesn't work for others. But isn't that true of almost everything in life?

Softly closing the closet door in an attempt to block out her plan, his eyes fell on his bedside table spotting his favorite picture of her taken on their honeymoon a few months earlier in St. Thomas.

He remembered that weekend so vividly. He'd felt alive again. He'd felt a sense of renewal. The numbness he'd lived with in the years since Marisol's passing was eased. His mind drifted back to a quiet moment as he served her breakfast in bed after their passionate wedding night.

"_Good Morning, Liebling...How are you? Well rested or a little tired perhaps," he mused setting the tray on the bed._

"_A good kind of tired," she winked raising herself up on the pillows._

"_Okay. I'll take that as a compliment," he smiled. "I…um…want you to know something."_

"_And that would be?" she asked sipping her coffee._

"_I want you to know that I love you. You have made me very happy. I just hope being with me isn't too hard on you."_

"_Why are you telling me this Horatio? What are you trying to say?"_

"_I'm just saying that I'm not an easy man. I hope you don't come to regret taking me on."_

"_Nothing about love is easy, Horatio. But, I'll never regret taking you on. And you should know this…I do love the challenge that is Horatio Caine."_

Perhaps the challenge had gotten the best of her. He couldn't blame her for sometimes the challenge of being Horatio Caine got the best of him.

Picking up her silk pajama top lying carelessly on the floor where she'd dropped it, he pressed the fabric to his face, inhaling the lingering scent of her perfume as another wave of nausea hit him.

Moments later, he found himself on the floor in front of the toilet staring down at his own vomit. Rising slowly to his feet, he splashed water on his exhausted face feeling somewhat better after the physical release. If she'd had enough of him and wanted to go, he wouldn't hold her. She'd given herself to him as completely as she could...mind, body, and soul. Something he wasn't sure he could ever reciprocate. Maybe it was time he gave her the best Christmas gift he could…the gift of freedom.

Evan's voice from the hallway brought him back to reality. "Sir, Will is awake. He's very scared. Could you help me please?"

Running his hand through his tousled hair, he squared his jaw and replied, "Okay, son...I'm on my way. I'll be right out."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Part 3

"_Every Christmas is different. Some are boisterous and noisy while others are peaceful and quiet. But they are all memorable in their own way. Always remember that my dear…"_ the words of her late Grandmother echoed in her mind as she drove down the Causeway on the day after Christmas reflecting on the events of the holiday season.

The past few days had certainly been memorable, but not in the way she had anticipated. She had expected an intimate, low-keyed holiday celebration with Horatio, their first as husband and wife. A quiet dinner on Christmas Eve at La Riviera, a much needed change in tempo after the rambunctious party at the Children's Center, attending Mass on Christmas morning hopefully with him in tow, exchanging gifts during a special brunch at home their festivities culminating with dinner at Yelina's later that evening.

Instead, she had found herself at odds with her husband, being jostled about in a toy store check-out line shortly before midnight on Christmas Eve haggling with a clerk over the price of a remote control helicopter, hastily wrapping gifts at 2 AM, before finally succumbing to exhaustion on the sofa at half past 3. She'd awakened around 7 to the sounds of Will's happy squeals as Horatio brought him out to the tree discovering herself nestled snuggly under a blanket that she knew wasn't there the night before.

For his part, Horatio had kept to himself for much of Christmas Day. He'd prepared breakfast for her and the boys after gifts were opened. He'd given her an exquisite pair of emerald and diamond earrings and matching bracelet. The discovery had led to a flood of emotion when she'd opened them. Finally catching her breath, she'd looked at him and said, _'I don't know what to say. They're beautiful'_ to which he whispered, '_As are you Liebling…as are you.'_

She'd heard Evan later ask why he called her that weird name…'Liebling'. The boy knew that wasn't her given name. He'd never heard anyone at the Center call her that before. Horatio explained that 'Liebling' was special word meaning 'Sweetheart' or sometimes 'Favorite'. And, he explained to the youngster, she all of that and more to him.

And yet despite that, a silence existed that they both knew must be addressed. They'd really never argued during the course of their relationship. Horatio preferred solitude when rifts between them occurred. And as for her, well she didn't have the penchant to be a drama queen…she wasn't prone to the dramatic meltdowns that some women were so famous for. When he wanted space, she gave it… always on his terms. Now, in the past few days, it dawned on her...perhaps space was something she needed…a time away to clear her head. It wasn't something she wanted to do, running wasn't her style. But maybe a time of separation would force them both to re-think their mutual obligations to each other.

She'd pissed him off by questioning his sincerity. She knew he was a strong-willed man. He didn't like being called out when it came to his emotions. But she, in turn, couldn't understand why sharing himself emotionally was so hard. Finding her place alongside Marisol's memory was one thing…she'd never doubted that he loved her. He proved it in word and deed. Horatio Caine was many things…a liar was not one of them.

But finding her place in his inner turmoil was problematic. She'd heard it said that sometimes love just isn't enough between two people. Sometimes complications outweigh everything else in a relationship rendering it irretrievably broken. As she watched at her husband clinging to his emotions so quietly, she prayed they weren't teetering on the breaking point.

The boys, on the other hand, seemed strangely contented on Christmas Day. Evan had asked about his mother wanting to know when he could visit her as he demanded to know every detail of her condition. Horatio had patiently explained that she was out of surgery and in a special place in Dade Memorial called ICU. He promised to schedule a visit to the hospital as soon as Alexx agreed it was possible. Young Will was oblivious to it all enjoying on the holiday cartoons Horatio found on television and playing with his newly acquired toys. She'd questioned Horatio as to the wisdom of that plan. She reasoned that Evan should be protected from seeing his mother in that condition only to be told, _'He needs the presence of his mother. Trust me…he needs the bond.'_

Now, both children were becoming acquainted with family. Their maternal aunt had arrived in Miami around 2 that afternoon. She'd driven the boys out to the airport and then helped them get settled in a small house in Coconut Grove and until a decision about further accommodations could be made. Horatio had wanted to go with them to the airport, but had been called to MDPD for a meeting with IAB, something she had questioned him about, but he of course seemed reluctant to discuss.

With that mission accomplished, she finally had some time on her hands. She'd entertained the notion of a little retail therapy, but her heart wasn't in it. So she ran a personal errand and then headed back to the condo to wait for Horatio's arrival home. She had so many questions…so much to say…so much she wanted to know.

Pulling under the carport, she saw that she didn't have to wait long. The Hummer sat in its usual spot behind his Lexus. The Miami sky was darkening outside. Upon entering the home, she saw no light emanating from any room so she laid her purse on the kitchen counter and flipped on a light switch in the great room immediately spotting him on the sofa.

He was sitting there, his appearance uncharacteristically sloppy. His jacket was off, his blue tailored shirt yanked from his belted trousers, and his feet were clad only in his black socks. A half-filled bottle of Irish Whiskey sat in front of him alongside an empty glass.

Looking down him, she sighed and said, "A little early in the evening to be starting that. Don't you think?"

"I, uh, I thought I needed something to shore me up tonight. This always seems to work."

"Shore you up from what? Problems with IAB maybe or with y-o-u?"

"The matter with IAB is settled. As for me...well, I can be one son of a bitch," he said sarcastically.

"Sometimes, but not always, now once again, why do you think you need that bottle?"

"For whatever this night is going to bring my way," he answered shortly pouring himself another drink.

"What do you expect it to bring?"

"You sound like a damn therapist. Tell me…you're calling the shots now. Tell me what this night will bring. Now that the boys are gone...you next? You bailin' on me?"

"Okay, since you say I'm calling the shots...let's start with this," she replied snatching the bottle from the glass top table and emptying the contents down the kitchen sink.

"Ouch…now that hurt."

"Good! I don't mind a drink or two, but I don't like a drunk and something tells me you are on the verge of that. And, while we are on the subject of things I don't like…Horatio Caine, if you ever push me again, it'll be your ass warming the back seat of a patrol car," she said calmly seating herself at the other end of the sofa.

"Fair enough. That was well-deserved. I'm...uh...sorry. That never should have happened," he nodded sadly as he looked at his hands.

"I know that. I want you to know that I love you unconditionally…but I'm not Rosetta…and I'm not your mother. I think I know what's troubling you," she whispered softly.

"My…my mother. What are you talking about? Why are you talking about my mother?" Horatio queried looking squarely at her.

"I know the truth about your mother, Horatio. I know now and it's okay."

"How? The only person that could tell you is …"

"Yelina. I dropped by her place this afternoon after getting the boys settled. I wanted to apologize for missing her holiday party. I wanted to touch base personally after our phone call. She thought the boys were family of mine that had come for a Christmas visit. When I explained their situation, she was concerned as to how you were handling things. She thought I knew."

"She had no right. It was my story to tell. I'll speak with her later," the red-head answered gruffly hastily swallowing the contents of his glass.

"She had every right, Horatio. She's your…no, she's our sister-in-law. She lived with Raymond. She saw his hurt, his recklessness and the desperation that became his life. She feels it was all tied to the abuse…abuse that was left unchecked. She sees the same hurt in you. She still loves you, you know."

"How much did she tell you? All of it?"

"Just the essentials. That your mother was a battered woman. That your father took her life. And that it all happened days before Christmas back in New York. I am so sorry, Baby… it's no wonder you don't do Christmas well. I believe she said, _'Horatio is Evan'_."

"So I guess you want to hear the rest?"

"Is there more?"

"Oh yeah…a helluva lot more. I don't want you to hear it. But, you're a Caine now...so I guess you are entitled..." Horatio began looking away from her.

"Yes, I am a Caine now. And you are right; it's your story to tell. Now you are in control. But know this... I need to share this part of your life with you. I want to share your pain as well as your pleasure."

Standing to his feet, Horatio walked across the room, his hands on his hips, and stared blankly out the French doors onto the deck. "My mother always loved Christmas. She loved the whole shebang…you know, the traditional thing…family…tree…gifts. I was at work…a street cop in Manhattan…relatively new to the force. I'd spoken to her early in the evening confirming family holiday plans. She said my old man had come home and was 'in his tea' as she liked to say. I asked her if she and Raymond were okay. There was a woman I had just started seeing and we had made late night plans. I didn't want to stand her up and mother knew that so she said she could handle things. Raymond called as I was leaving the precinct to join my friend. Said things were getting out of hand. Said I needed to come home quickly. When I got there, he'd beaten her so badly she was unconscious. In a drunken rage, he lunged for me when I tried to help her. I shot him…killed him. Mother died a few hours later...traumatic brain injury the doctor said. So there you have it...another proud moment in Caine family history."

"Oh dear God, Horatio, I don't know what to say except that I am sorry. I am so sorry. I must ask you this…when you said that you and Evan have a common bond…was it Evan that shot his father? Are you protecting him from the legal consequences?"

"No, I shot Evan's father. I had no choice. It was a righteous shoot. But Evan wanted his father gone. Just like me, he wanted his father gone. And now they are. And we are left behind to shoulder the guilt."

"Horatio, your father made his own choices. He did what he did. And you did what you had to do. You protected yourself. Thank God you did!"

"Evan approached me at the party. He asked me if I was really a cop. When I told him yes, he asked me if men could go to jail for hitting women. I told him yeah. Something about the boy indicated that he wanted to talk, but with all the festivities…we couldn't. Maybe if I had taken up a little more time with him, his mother would be in a safe house rather than ICU. And maybe I wouldn't have killed a man on Christmas Eve."

"Horatio, I won't let you take that on yourself. All of us at the Center knew of Rosetta's situation. There were always bruises that she couldn't explain. We knew she needed help and we offered it, but she wouldn't accept. She thought she could change him. She wouldn't leave him. She wouldn't expose him to us…no matter how hard we tried. But, it seems he exposed himself. Men like that always do. Who they really are always rises to the surface. You can't force people to change. They have to want to. This man and your father didn't want to," she countered.

Turning toward his wife, Horatio began, "Speaking of that. I have a question for you…I want an honest answer. The other night, by the door, did you see a man you are now afraid of...a man you find repulsive...because I certainly did."

"No, I didn't see that. What I saw was a man who is afraid of himself. What you did terrified you! I see a man who is very vulnerable…very hurt...very closed…"

"Ah…a train wreck...are you sure you want to deal with that?" he interrupted with a grunt.

"May I finish? I also see a man who is very complex, heroic, and compassionate. This woman wants to deal with that."

"So...what are you saying? Are we good? Am I salvageable?"

"We are what we are, Horatio. Good sometimes.._.very good_ at other times and a work in progress at times…all relationships are like that."

"If you want to run, I wouldn't blame you. I can be too much. I know that."

"Running would be kind of hard right now. I have nowhere to go at the moment," she chuckled. "I moved the boys and their aunt into my house in the Grove. Really lucky for them that it's empty. So Lieutenant Caine…we go forward."

"Thank you, Liebling," Horatio said pulling her into his embrace.

"You're welcome, lover. What do you think will happen to Evan and Will?" she asked laying her head on his shoulder.

"Will is young. His memories will fade with time. Evan will need more help, I'm afraid. He's older…seen more…it's become a part of him. He must learn to deal. He could become either like his old man or a wretch like me," Horatio said resting his chin on the top of her head.

Pulling back slightly as she looked up at him, she replied, "He can learn to deal by talking and not closing himself off. Do you hear what I'm saying?"

"Yes, ma'am. I hear you…loud and clear, Liebling. I want you to know that I probably won't change much. Men like me don't. My ghosts might always haunt us."

"Only if we allow them to, Horatio…only if we allow them to," she replied kissing his cheek.

Complete

A/N – Thanks for reading! Happy New Year!


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